Then, of course, this leads onto fueling my need for travel.
Such as swimming with dolphins in Florida...
...a romantic weekend in Paris (sans dancer)...
...lounging on an Australian beach...
...or just walking along an exquisite island....
(she says, drooling onto the computer keyboard...)
All this does call into question my career choice. Obviously, becoming a writer isn't an easy task. Firstly, many harbour the same ambition. How is it possible for one to know if their work is good enough to even reach the kind of platform you dream of? Secondly, I am quite a lackluster person unless I have several creative pieces to work on, as my mind drifts easily. Therefore, freelance writing would be perfect, although is it likely to give me the financial stability to be able to jet off to some of the places I dream of? And lastly, the industry is quite a cut throat business; it's hard to get work experience, to get published, to get your foot in the door. It's hard to keep your mind on your dreams when you get knocked back. All of this just highlights the age old problem of actualising your dreams. I find it hard to wait when such impulses overwhelm me, but in order for your goals to be achieved, waiting and working away beneath the surface is often the only way forward.
Alas! I have started sessions of C.B.T. this week in Norwich, which I hope to be able to gain a different perspective on life. It seems my fear of death could suggest a love of life - but then I waste that life I have by just sleeping with depression! (note: an abstract entity, rather than an awkwardly named human.) I suppose I am quite an insular person. My insecurities mean I don't like to get too involved with friends or people I meet, in case they think my 'crankiness' drains life away from them. So I'm constantly in a cycle of: "I feel awful, and need to talk, but don't want to make anyone think I'm miserable". Sadly, my boyfriend often gets the brunt of all my worries and insecurities, which, as I've learnt in the past, only goes to show just how comfortable I feel with him. I suppose I craved structure during my Gap Year, and now I have it, I desire the mobility of travel and new experiences. I just have the mobility of the hips of an elderly woman right now.
Just in case you do win the lottery this weekend and return to Norwich with a few million quid bulking out your pockets, I'll try to appear deliciously supportive here ...
ReplyDeleteFirstly, your career choice. The paradox is that creative people like you, who are only fulfilled when they have several creative projects on the go, are frequently vulnerable to anxiety and depression - to the extent that some experts in the field of mental illness believe this vulnerability to be an inherent part of the creative personality. So on the one hand, the prospect of stepping into the cut-throat world of professional writing fills you with anxiety and, on the other hand, this anxiety flows from your creative personality which is summoning you to be a writer. I'm tempted to think that you'll decide to follow your dreams, even at the cost of straining your anxieties, for otherwise you may always regret what might have been. I hope that you'll follow your dreams, because I believe in you.
Secondly, your CBT. I finished a course of CBT four years ago and it was the most efficacious treatment I've ever had for my anxiety. I quickly seized on the fundamental principle of CBT - that we can change our lives by changing our thinking. And you, with your enviable blend of intelligence and creativity, can learn to change you thinking very effectively, I'm certain of it. Good luck.
And finally, the thorny question of sharing your insecurities with others, and your fear that these others will run away when they can't take any more. The answer to this, for me, has been to choose with discernment the ears into which I pour my insecurities. I've learned not to impose too much on the ears of those to whom I am closest, and I've also learned that people who have no personal experience of mental distress are, very understandably, unlikely to grasp what I'm offering to their ears.
I therefore recommend choosing one or two people who have walked the path which you're now walking, with whom you feel entirely comfortable and whom you trust implicitly. And yes, in case you're wondering, I am volunteering, whether you win the lottery this weekend or not.