Natalie Dee Artwork

Natalie Dee's quirky artwork - my particular favourite!

Remind you of anyone?

http://www.nataliedee.com/050908/now-im-a-superhero.jpg

Work Experience Obtained!

I've had work experience before at a local newspaper for a few weeks back in 2006, but this is my first work placement in the big wide world of journalism. I will undertake a 10 day placement in London at the Time Out London magazine Headquarters next September. It will be a welcome addition to my CV and I cannot wait!

Musings in the shower

I've just realised how difficult getting out of things is. Getting out of bed, of a soaking, warm shower, of lies/awkward situations, of relationships, of debt, of Topshop dresses, of a maze....perhaps these things are difficult for us to get out of due to the fact they are not something that can be taken lightly. They require decisions, which allow us to weigh up the pros and the cons and to act rationally. (extraordinarily hard to do when you're going through an anxiety/depression phase, anyway!)

Thank God for awkward decisions I suppose, or who knows what our lives would be like!

Murderous Intent.

I'm on a roll: two in one day!

(But seriously, there will probably be another hiatus of about 6 months, so don't close that 'youtube' tab just yet)

An extraordinary rush of ambition has hit me today and encouraged me to get in contact with London companies to apply for work placements at publishing companies and magazine houses! This extraordinary rush of ambition has yet to be put into action, however, though I'm sure over the course of the next three years it will be. (Well, students are known for their procrastination, aren't they?)

I'd love to keep my end goal in sight, and it's difficult to do so when you're slogging away on a 2,000 word essay on the origins of the First World War and resisting the urge to trap your arm in the window and spend a few hours at A&E, just to spend a few hours away from your desk.

Fingers crossed there will be some success....

(With the work experience, not with the 'maiming arm in window' plan.)

Hello, old friend.

It's been a while, and lots has been accomplished in the last few months.

Firstly, flights to and from Barcelona with my boyfriend (with a holiday sandwiched in between) has perpetuated my desire for travel and doused the flames of my flying fears!

Secondly, a move to university to study my passions of English Literature and History has done wonders in introducing me back to my academia, and is helping me re-discover myself in the solitude of my little cell on campus accommodation. In many ways it's been a flight of myself.

Thirdly, and not so warmly, there has been a sharp increase in my anxiety symptoms; one in particular breakdown a few weeks ago left me in complete agony, although thankfully with medication I'm climbing back up the ladder. I used to see mental illness as a flaw to myself. In many ways I probably still do. However, I look at some people and wonder if they've ever had to suffer the torments of their own mind. To be tortured by your own mind, your own thoughts, your own reflection of reality, is single handedly one of the worst things you can be subjected to. You are the perpetrator and the victim. But trying to work out which is which can contort you into such feelings of misery. And, I suppose, many of my upsets are brought on by my sensitivity and my empathy for others. To imagine myself without these tenancies would be like imagining a factory without workers. I need this ability to be able to sort myself out, and to function. I couldn't bear being without vulnerability, as it is what makes me human. I would rather have this vulnerability on show for people I care about to highlight my fallibility and my human nature, than to appear like a robot who cares for no-one.

However, I digress. One needs an outlet for emotions like a crab needs specially made shoes to aid its side-ways walking. So, I have ambitiously invested a vast amount of money (£2.40) in a sketch pad, to work on sketches and drawings for some comic ideas I have in mind. This may turn out diabolical, with lashings of violence and misery, but rather on a page than in my mind?

On another note, I was contemplating with my friend why people don't just die. People who cause such pain in your life and care only for themselves. I leave you with a helpful quote from said friend (ironically, one of the prettiest and daintiest creatures you could find) designed to help quell your violent intentions:

"My sister and I used to imagine ex-boyfriends, friends, people in a blood bath of agony. This was some time ago. The people we put in are probably all dissolved by now, so there's still room for your misery. It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside."

Alone.

I don't know what to do right now. I feel alone. I feel pathetic. I don't know what to do. Why do I get like this? I just really need someone to cuddle. My Grandad, right now. I just want a bit cuddle and to smell his comforting scent and to sob uncontrollably into his shoulder rather than just thin air. I want him to tell me everything's going to be OK. I want him to be there for me, and I want to be there for him.

I feel so stagnant and down and lost. I just want to hide away from life. My brain feels it's locked in cement and can't permeate the walls. I don't even know who to turn to...I feel so frustrated and angry at no-one in particular. I feel insane and not with it. It feels like I've just been folded up and swallowed. I feel sick. And the person I want is no longer here for me physically.

Part of me wants more pills. Part of me wants to just forget about this world. Part of me wants to just wants to go crazy. I just sob and sob until it's all out.

It's all I can do. For now.

Wasp Stings and Pretty Things.

Today's unknown was slightly forced upon me, but still...that counts, eh?

I was stung by a wasp on my left hand.

I've never been stung by a wasp or a bee (at least not that I remember) and it rather hurts! It's almost like being stabbed repeatedly by a sharp object. I'm not one to react well to bites (my thigh is still recovering from a gnat bite a few months ago) and it seems wasp stings are not an exception. It may have caused the room to spin for a few hours, but on the plus side, it's a cheap alternative to botox, since my hand is now swollen and bone-free! I could make a bomb.

I've been feeling incredibly tedious and monotonous recently. Partly this is due to me working flat out to raise funds for travelling next year, and also as I'm moving so things have been hectic.

This picture from lookbook.nu has inspired me to get back into my more creative roots;

Stay tuned for more information!

Muesli Terror

Sitting down to devour my morning muesli meal, I picked up my spoon and paused.

"Raisins aren't supposed to move," I thought.

I stared.

I stopped breathing.

"Raisins aren't supposed to have legs," I mused.

I dropped my spoon.

It wasn't a raisin. It was an insect.

An INSECT. In my muesli. (For maximum shock value, I have been dropping into conversations that it was a cockroach, but the post mortem still needs to be carried out to establish exactly what breed it was.)

Needless to say, I went hungry this morning.

My mission now is to spread the word of the dangers of raisins. They're not as harmless as they look.

I know muesli is supposed to be natural, but using insects instead of raisins? That's taking things a bit too far.

To push oneself.

Today, I actually logged into my blog account in order to try and give myself the incentive to stay on track. Things are very stressful recently, regarding university, moving house, work, money etc, that I just feel run ragged. My care co-ordinator said it's important to devote a certain chunk of my day to look after myself. So this is my attempt to relax.

The other day, I rode a bike.

I haven't rode a book in years. I've found I almost forgot how to (Although not quite, adding flames of truth to the old saying.)

With trepidation and slight panic I eased myself onto the seat and pedalled around my area for an hour or two. I was elated! I looked something like this:

(Give or take a few differences; gender being one of them.)

I even managed to ride on the road, despite my fear that I hadn't taken a cycling proficiency course when I was 11 years old and, therefore, had no valid claim to cycling on the road. ("It's all common sense!" my boyfriend remarked. Too bad

this is one thing I have a severe lack of.)

The conclusion of this day was positive - I now want a bicycle. At the top of my list of positive qualities is realism. I expect to look something like this when I have my bicycle:

Moral of the day: Don't let past fears hold you back, no matter how small they are! We get stuck in ruts and our way of thinking becomes part of us, but they don't have to be. They are just thoughts and ideas, not a tangible obstacle.

Mind

Today, I just sit and daydream and ponder.

The Public

Today, I spoke to customers at work as if I knew them. Sometimes I'm all a fluster when it comes to talking to people, but despite any of my stuttering, or crazy, demonic laughter, or pure old fashioned rambling, I stuck to my guns in order to make a customer or two smile.

I spoke to an old man who used to be a pilot - we spoke about my fear of flying and how safe it actually is.

I spoke to a lady who asked me to take off the cover of Charlaine Harris' new book as it had a python on the front cover as she's terrified of them.

I spoke to small children who were buying last minute gifts for their Dads for Fathers Day.

When I got home, I was exhausted. My cheeks stung from smiling so much. But inside I felt a little better. Working should be a pleasant experience - after all, most of us do it, and it's a better environment for both staff and customers when there's an oh so peachy and warm atmosphere.

One unknown I think I'll persevere with!

Gorgeous Things.

Yesterday, I allowed myself to be surrounded by beautiful things; websites, magazines, people!

This website: http://www.daydreamlily.com/ has some absolutely beautiful photography full of effervescence and idyllic concepts.

It makes me feel like part of another world - like a fairy land where everything is just so unbearingly delicate yet gorgeous.

(Photos from DayDream Lily website)

I discovered a new magazine in WHSmiths called 'Oh Comely'; http://ohcomely.co.uk/

Once again, an exquisite and alluring kaleidoscope of creativity. From their website:

oh comely is a magazine about people and their quirks and their creativity, rather than money and what it can buy. It's nice to see you here.

It wages a delightful war on the gossip, vanity and pink that disfigure mainstream lifestyle magazines. Imagine sitting down with a cup of tea and a creative friend to hear all the strange things she says, all the curious stuff she does, and about the things she loves.

Who could resist that?!

I'm in love!

I take your superstitions and I spit on them.

'Spit' is rather violent.

I merely gently caress the loins of my tongue and let no saliva leave my digestive entrance.

A jovial conversation with a window cleaner proceeded my risky venture, as he yelled out "Are you superstitious?!" whilst I was busy working (read; monotonously shoving leaflets through doors.) I said "No", I walked underneath, and instantly regretted it. Will the wrath of the gods be upon me? Will I now be hanged? Neither have happened so far (touch wood) but shall let you know as and when they occur. Apart from the hanging bit; shall get someone else to inform you of my death.

Hair Dye.

Today, I dyed my hair.

I cancelled the salon appointment, bought the trashy hair dye from Boots and combed it on.

I even threw caution to the wind and bypassed the 48 hour allergy test (which, for a hypochondriac who believes every waking moment poses a health risk, is quite an accomplishment)

The chavs at the salon wanted to give me a natural ginger; I wanted bright orange, hence why I bought my own colouring. Photos to follow soon of eccentric hairstyles galore...

I haven't dyed my hair in years. I've been feeling very unhappy recently; stagnant, insecure, inferior and unwanted. I just felt like I needed to express myself a bit more freely. Travelling is a key dream of mine which is looking more and more unlikely as the days go by. And with my anxiety and depression comes the fact I can't cope with things such as people disliking me or people saying things that I take to heart, even if they're not intended to be. Palpitations, dizziness, nausea - a panic attack followed by tears and then finally anger at myself for letting my guard that I've built up over the last year slip. My façade cracks, my irrational thoughts slip to the forefront of my mind, and I punish myself and just want to cry and never stop.

Must sort myself out.

Do I let the façade slip more often and show people the real me? Do I stop putting on a happy face? Do I just walk around like a depressive zombie?

Do I keep up my fake front? Live a lie? Get hurt? And get stuck in an unending cycle of punishment and self loathing?

Or do I just continue as I am?

Depression is not nice.

Cat-napping.

Yesterday, I committed catnap.

Not of the sleep kind, but of the feline kidnapping kind.

Whilst out at work, I found a gorgeous, delicate cat: undernourished with bones sticking out. The friendliest little thing, she was just sitting on a doorstep and the woman who lived inside told me that it had been neglected and just strolled around outside looking for scraps of food.

Cue a mad rush a few hours later of both my mum and I grabbing the cat from the neighbourhood, bringing it back to ours, and feeding it up with endless supplies of fish and turkey.

Florence (as I've now called her) now curls up snuggly on my bed, and follows me around as if I'm her Cat Mother... occasionally giving me a meerkat pose on her hind legs, or a teddy glance with her squidgy face.

Now to find her the warm and kind home she deserves...