Mind

Today, I just sit and daydream and ponder.

The Public

Today, I spoke to customers at work as if I knew them. Sometimes I'm all a fluster when it comes to talking to people, but despite any of my stuttering, or crazy, demonic laughter, or pure old fashioned rambling, I stuck to my guns in order to make a customer or two smile.

I spoke to an old man who used to be a pilot - we spoke about my fear of flying and how safe it actually is.

I spoke to a lady who asked me to take off the cover of Charlaine Harris' new book as it had a python on the front cover as she's terrified of them.

I spoke to small children who were buying last minute gifts for their Dads for Fathers Day.

When I got home, I was exhausted. My cheeks stung from smiling so much. But inside I felt a little better. Working should be a pleasant experience - after all, most of us do it, and it's a better environment for both staff and customers when there's an oh so peachy and warm atmosphere.

One unknown I think I'll persevere with!

Gorgeous Things.

Yesterday, I allowed myself to be surrounded by beautiful things; websites, magazines, people!

This website: http://www.daydreamlily.com/ has some absolutely beautiful photography full of effervescence and idyllic concepts.

It makes me feel like part of another world - like a fairy land where everything is just so unbearingly delicate yet gorgeous.

(Photos from DayDream Lily website)

I discovered a new magazine in WHSmiths called 'Oh Comely'; http://ohcomely.co.uk/

Once again, an exquisite and alluring kaleidoscope of creativity. From their website:

oh comely is a magazine about people and their quirks and their creativity, rather than money and what it can buy. It's nice to see you here.

It wages a delightful war on the gossip, vanity and pink that disfigure mainstream lifestyle magazines. Imagine sitting down with a cup of tea and a creative friend to hear all the strange things she says, all the curious stuff she does, and about the things she loves.

Who could resist that?!

I'm in love!

I take your superstitions and I spit on them.

'Spit' is rather violent.

I merely gently caress the loins of my tongue and let no saliva leave my digestive entrance.

A jovial conversation with a window cleaner proceeded my risky venture, as he yelled out "Are you superstitious?!" whilst I was busy working (read; monotonously shoving leaflets through doors.) I said "No", I walked underneath, and instantly regretted it. Will the wrath of the gods be upon me? Will I now be hanged? Neither have happened so far (touch wood) but shall let you know as and when they occur. Apart from the hanging bit; shall get someone else to inform you of my death.

Hair Dye.

Today, I dyed my hair.

I cancelled the salon appointment, bought the trashy hair dye from Boots and combed it on.

I even threw caution to the wind and bypassed the 48 hour allergy test (which, for a hypochondriac who believes every waking moment poses a health risk, is quite an accomplishment)

The chavs at the salon wanted to give me a natural ginger; I wanted bright orange, hence why I bought my own colouring. Photos to follow soon of eccentric hairstyles galore...

I haven't dyed my hair in years. I've been feeling very unhappy recently; stagnant, insecure, inferior and unwanted. I just felt like I needed to express myself a bit more freely. Travelling is a key dream of mine which is looking more and more unlikely as the days go by. And with my anxiety and depression comes the fact I can't cope with things such as people disliking me or people saying things that I take to heart, even if they're not intended to be. Palpitations, dizziness, nausea - a panic attack followed by tears and then finally anger at myself for letting my guard that I've built up over the last year slip. My façade cracks, my irrational thoughts slip to the forefront of my mind, and I punish myself and just want to cry and never stop.

Must sort myself out.

Do I let the façade slip more often and show people the real me? Do I stop putting on a happy face? Do I just walk around like a depressive zombie?

Do I keep up my fake front? Live a lie? Get hurt? And get stuck in an unending cycle of punishment and self loathing?

Or do I just continue as I am?

Depression is not nice.

Cat-napping.

Yesterday, I committed catnap.

Not of the sleep kind, but of the feline kidnapping kind.

Whilst out at work, I found a gorgeous, delicate cat: undernourished with bones sticking out. The friendliest little thing, she was just sitting on a doorstep and the woman who lived inside told me that it had been neglected and just strolled around outside looking for scraps of food.

Cue a mad rush a few hours later of both my mum and I grabbing the cat from the neighbourhood, bringing it back to ours, and feeding it up with endless supplies of fish and turkey.

Florence (as I've now called her) now curls up snuggly on my bed, and follows me around as if I'm her Cat Mother... occasionally giving me a meerkat pose on her hind legs, or a teddy glance with her squidgy face.

Now to find her the warm and kind home she deserves...