In May 2009, I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and depression. A year on, I'm still fighting irrational thoughts and anxieties on a daily basis; this blog is intended to help me with my recovery, to encourage me to strive to do something different, something crazy - no matter how small - to remind me to embrace life and to not wither away!

Thursday, 17 June 2010

Hair Dye.

Today, I dyed my hair.

I cancelled the salon appointment, bought the trashy hair dye from Boots and combed it on.
I even threw caution to the wind and bypassed the 48 hour allergy test (which, for a hypochondriac who believes every waking moment poses a health risk, is quite an accomplishment)

The chavs at the salon wanted to give me a natural ginger; I wanted bright orange, hence why I bought my own colouring. Photos to follow soon of eccentric hairstyles galore...

I haven't dyed my hair in years. I've been feeling very unhappy recently; stagnant, insecure, inferior and unwanted. I just felt like I needed to express myself a bit more freely. Travelling is a key dream of mine which is looking more and more unlikely as the days go by. And with my anxiety and depression comes the fact I can't cope with things such as people disliking me or people saying things that I take to heart, even if they're not intended to be. Palpitations, dizziness, nausea - a panic attack followed by tears and then finally anger at myself for letting my guard that I've built up over the last year slip. My façade cracks, my irrational thoughts slip to the forefront of my mind, and I punish myself and just want to cry and never stop.

Must sort myself out.
Do I let the façade slip more often and show people the real me? Do I stop putting on a happy face? Do I just walk around like a depressive zombie?

Do I keep up my fake front? Live a lie? Get hurt? And get stuck in an unending cycle of punishment and self loathing?

Or do I just continue as I am?

Depression is not nice.
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2 comments:

  1. Anonymous17 June 2010 at 14:59

    Hi it's Sarah (Lamb).

    I always dye my hair when I'm feeling low and wanting to change something and not go crazy and get more piercings or tattoos lol.

    I dont think you should have to keep on your happy face all of the time. It takes a hell of a lot of effort, I know that. When I let the mask slip for the first time I felt such relief. Maybe just try with the people you trust the most. Even if you say "today's not a good day" rather than "i'm fine", thats a start right?

    xx

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  2. Helen Hearts17 June 2010 at 15:27

    You know the longer you keep up the facade the harder it'll be to let go.

    Show people the real you. You're a wonderful person- i've been friends with you long enough to see all of you. (Hang on... errrr you know what i mean...) And anyone who doesn't accept all of you- good or bad, happy or sad (Yeah... i did just quoted some crappy 70's song) frankly isn't worth having as a friend.

    And if you ever need anyone to speak to you know i'd never judge you.

    I wuv you.
    Helen
    xx

    P.S. I have many times tried a blog as a vent. I was crap at it. It mostly consisted of "I'M ANGRY. RAWWRRR" Though it did help a lot :)

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