Remind you of anyone?
Wednesday, 24 November 2010
Work Experience Obtained!
I've had work experience before at a local newspaper for a few weeks back in 2006, but this is my first work placement in the big wide world of journalism. I will undertake a 10 day placement in London at the Time Out London magazine Headquarters next September. It will be a welcome addition to my CV and I cannot wait!
Musings in the shower
I've just realised how difficult getting out of things is. Getting out of bed, of a soaking, warm shower, of lies/awkward situations, of relationships, of debt, of Topshop dresses, of a maze....perhaps these things are difficult for us to get out of due to the fact they are not something that can be taken lightly. They require decisions, which allow us to weigh up the pros and the cons and to act rationally. (extraordinarily hard to do when you're going through an anxiety/depression phase, anyway!)
Thank God for awkward decisions I suppose, or who knows what our lives would be like!
Tuesday, 23 November 2010
Murderous Intent.
I'm on a roll: two in one day!
(But seriously, there will probably be another hiatus of about 6 months, so don't close that 'youtube' tab just yet)
An extraordinary rush of ambition has hit me today and encouraged me to get in contact with London companies to apply for work placements at publishing companies and magazine houses! This extraordinary rush of ambition has yet to be put into action, however, though I'm sure over the course of the next three years it will be. (Well, students are known for their procrastination, aren't they?)
I'd love to keep my end goal in sight, and it's difficult to do so when you're slogging away on a 2,000 word essay on the origins of the First World War and resisting the urge to trap your arm in the window and spend a few hours at A&E, just to spend a few hours away from your desk.
Fingers crossed there will be some success....
(With the work experience, not with the 'maiming arm in window' plan.)
Hello, old friend.
Firstly, flights to and from Barcelona with my boyfriend (with a holiday sandwiched in between) has perpetuated my desire for travel and doused the flames of my flying fears!
Secondly, a move to university to study my passions of English Literature and History has done wonders in introducing me back to my academia, and is helping me re-discover myself in the solitude of my little cell on campus accommodation. In many ways it's been a flight of myself.
Thirdly, and not so warmly, there has been a sharp increase in my anxiety symptoms; one in particular breakdown a few weeks ago left me in complete agony, although thankfully with medication I'm climbing back up the ladder. I used to see mental illness as a flaw to myself. In many ways I probably still do. However, I look at some people and wonder if they've ever had to suffer the torments of their own mind. To be tortured by your own mind, your own thoughts, your own reflection of reality, is single handedly one of the worst things you can be subjected to. You are the perpetrator and the victim. But trying to work out which is which can contort you into such feelings of misery. And, I suppose, many of my upsets are brought on by my sensitivity and my empathy for others. To imagine myself without these tenancies would be like imagining a factory without workers. I need this ability to be able to sort myself out, and to function. I couldn't bear being without vulnerability, as it is what makes me human. I would rather have this vulnerability on show for people I care about to highlight my fallibility and my human nature, than to appear like a robot who cares for no-one.
However, I digress. One needs an outlet for emotions like a crab needs specially made shoes to aid its side-ways walking. So, I have ambitiously invested a vast amount of money (£2.40) in a sketch pad, to work on sketches and drawings for some comic ideas I have in mind. This may turn out diabolical, with lashings of violence and misery, but rather on a page than in my mind?
On another note, I was contemplating with my friend why people don't just die. People who cause such pain in your life and care only for themselves. I leave you with a helpful quote from said friend (ironically, one of the prettiest and daintiest creatures you could find) designed to help quell your violent intentions:
"My sister and I used to imagine ex-boyfriends, friends, people in a blood bath of agony. This was some time ago. The people we put in are probably all dissolved by now, so there's still room for your misery. It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside."
Monday, 26 July 2010
Alone.
I don't know what to do right now. I feel alone. I feel pathetic. I don't know what to do. Why do I get like this? I just really need someone to cuddle. My Grandad, right now. I just want a bit cuddle and to smell his comforting scent and to sob uncontrollably into his shoulder rather than just thin air. I want him to tell me everything's going to be OK. I want him to be there for me, and I want to be there for him.
I feel so stagnant and down and lost. I just want to hide away from life. My brain feels it's locked in cement and can't permeate the walls. I don't even know who to turn to...I feel so frustrated and angry at no-one in particular. I feel insane and not with it. It feels like I've just been folded up and swallowed. I feel sick. And the person I want is no longer here for me physically.
Part of me wants more pills. Part of me wants to just forget about this world. Part of me wants to just wants to go crazy. I just sob and sob until it's all out.
It's all I can do. For now.
Wasp Stings and Pretty Things.
Today's unknown was slightly forced upon me, but still...that counts, eh?
I was stung by a wasp on my left hand.
I've never been stung by a wasp or a bee (at least not that I remember) and it rather hurts! It's almost like being stabbed repeatedly by a sharp object. I'm not one to react well to bites (my thigh is still recovering from a gnat bite a few months ago) and it seems wasp stings are not an exception. It may have caused the room to spin for a few hours, but on the plus side, it's a cheap alternative to botox, since my hand is now swollen and bone-free! I could make a bomb.
I've been feeling incredibly tedious and monotonous recently. Partly this is due to me working flat out to raise funds for travelling next year, and also as I'm moving so things have been hectic.
This picture from lookbook.nu has inspired me to get back into my more creative roots;
Stay tuned for more information!
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